I wish I could figure out how to plug in the sound of this for you.  Just imagine someone screaming the same one-second scream over and over right in your ear at 5:20am.

While you are sleeping.

That is how I woke up this morning.  No.  It wasn’t my husband pranking me back for shutting off the hot water while he was in the shower, or for the time I stood outside the bathroom door and screamed when he walked out just to scare him (that might actually have been the same day), or even for the time I helped his fastpitch team dump water and flour on his head for his birthday.  (All the things on that list do NOT fall under the scope of the title.  I still think those are funny even if he did not.)  Nope.  I did this to myself.  I got a new phone and even though I am sure I should be able to download, and use as an alarm, the nice mellow song I used to wake up to, I can’t make it work.  So I was browsing the “in phone options” at 3 in the afternoon and “Screaming Goat” was HILARIOUS!  At 3 in the afternoon.  At 5:20am?

Not so much.

I thought it would just scream at me once, like in the “try me” sample in the menu.  IT DIDN’T!  It screamed at me over and over and over while I tried to pry my eyes open enough to find the right screen.  SWIPE TO DISMISS!!!!  Then, when I couldn’t because I was freaked out of my gourd by the goat apocalypse that was happening in my bedroom I started hitting the phone repeatedly and screaming back, “STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!!!” and cried.

Not. Funny.

Moving on.  When my third child was born, the number 2 kid was only 5.  Perfect.  No one is more fun to punk than a five year old.  They fall for everything and they think everything is hilarious.  I picked up the #1 and #2 kid from school one day before I picked up the baby from daycare, which was not our usual routine.  Kid #2 asked, “Mama, where’s the baby?”  I breezily told him I’d left #3 at home with a bowl of water and some newspaper to pee on so I could spend some time with my favorite kids.  “He’ll be fine,” I said, while I waited for the giggles.  “MAAAMAAAA!  TURN BACK! GO HOME! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!  MY BABY BRUUUUTHEEERRRRR!!!” he wailed with tears flooding the backseat and his cute little arms frantically flailing in the air.  Turns out, also not funny.  (Please note, for the record and in my defense, that the oldest kid thought that little joke was the bomb when I pulled it on her with #2.  I can’t help it if #2 has no sense of humor.)

Finally, although by no means the only other time I misjudged what would be funny, a few years ago my husband and I planned a surprise vacation to Disney World for our family.  We saved for over a year and kept every detail a secret.  One day I was talking with my mom about the rental car situation (any time there is a rental car for me there is a “situation”) and my teenage daughter overheard me.  I had to cover.  I told her that I was hiding some money in the savings account and planning to take Dad to Hawaii. We will need a car while we are there.  I begged her pretty please, don’t tell Daddy!  She was so excited to be in on the fun. It was so sweet and I should have just left it alone there and let her think I was planning something nice.  What would it hurt to just tell her after we did the big reveal for the kids?  I just couldn’t let such a golden opportunity for some fun slip away.

I filled in my husband on what happened and we went into action.  The next day he pulled our daughter aside and said, “I found a bunch of money in the savings account that Mom has been saving.  Don’t tell her, but I’m going to buy tickets for a cruise and take her on a vacation just the two of us.  She’ll love it!”  Teenage daughter began to worry. That night she had a friend over.  I told them I was wavering about Hawaii.  Maybe I’ll take him on a cruise instead? No.  I’m too afraid to be out on the ocean like that (I really am!). I would hate a cruise so I’m buying tickets to Hawaii, after all.  She and the friend look at each other.  Now there are two problems: Mom hates cruises and Dad is stealing the vacation money.  She had already filled in the friend of the impending doom while they were out of my earshot. Their eyes got huge! I giggled and rubbed my hands together as if I was so excited about this surprise for dear old Dad.  Daughter and friend ran from the room in search of Daddy.  They found him at his computer downstairs.  “I bought the cruise tickets!” he told them.  Teenage daughter began to hyperventilate. Friend clamped a hand over her mouth and ran home.  Daughter came back upstairs looking a little green.  She had tears in her eyes and a deer-in-the-headlight look about her. I could see her mind spinning.  Muwahahahaaa.

The next day…

“Mom? Are you sure about this trip for Dad? What if he finds that money and uses it for something else?”  I assured her Dad doesn’t really look at that account and he never buys anything without us discussing it first.  No worries!  Teenage daughter runs from room to throw up.  Then, she tried desperately to convince her father NOT to buy us a vacation all the while trying not to give away my secret.  She was really good.  We were so proud.  It almost made me take pity on her and let it go.  Almost.

Now, I have to interject that at some point in all of this I lost sight of the original goal.  At first, I was just trying to throw her off of the conversation she overheard so she wouldn’t figure out the surprise we were planning for her.  It had taken an ugly turn into a prank of epic proportions that went on for DAYS.

We let her stew for a few days.  And then…

I had the laptop open as she walked in after school.  I was crying.  “Mom!  What’s wrong?!”  I’m biting my cheek to keep from laughing. Don’t judge!

Sobbing, “I bought the tickets!”  Bang on the keys as if this is how ‘online banking’ works.  “I paid for them and now the bank is calling saying we are overdrawn and all of our money is gone and I don’t know what happened!  They said they are going to take my car to cover it!” (Also now how that works.)  Daddy walked in the door behind her.  She is frantically looking back and forth between us in full on PANIC.

I turned to her father.  It all went a little something like this:

Dad: Babe, what’s wrong?

Mom: (incoherent sobbing and muttering.)

Daughter: Dad?  Dad!

Dad: (Holds out palm to daughter) Hold on, I’m talking to Mom.  Babe?

Me: (Crying louder to cover bubbling giggles.)

Daughter:  Dad!  I really need to talk to you!!!

Dad:  Hold on!

Daughter: NO!  Dad!  This is really serious.  (She is almost crying now.)

We know we have to let her out of this, but we never really planned on how to do it.  So I just started laughing and he started laughing and somewhere in there she caught on.  And flew into a RAGE, also of epic proportions!  My daughter is strong.  She hit me in the arm so hard I had a bruise for a week.  I did not ground her for it.

“Ihateyouguys!Youbothsuckwhywouldyoudothattome?!IthoughtyouwouldendupdivorcedandwearebankruptandIhateyouguys!!!!  MOM! YOU. ARE. NOT. FUNNY!!!!!!!”

I still think that one was funny.

Moral of the story?  Clearly, I have no morals when it comes to this kind of thing and I miss Dave Matthews on my phone.  I think I’ll reset someone’s alarm notification after bed tonight.  Who should it be??? Kid #2 is out.  He still hasn’t forgiven me for the time we hung the gorilla mask outside his bedroom door first thing in the morning.