Fall is my absolute favorite time of year.  I love the weather.  It smells amazing, like a mix of dried leaves, new school supplies and excitement.  There is a sense of anticipation that comes with brand new shoes, thick hoodies and a fire in the woodstove.  I love the rain, the crisp air and that it gets dark earlier.  I love everything about fall!  It makes me feel lighter and it makes my eyes sparkle.  I’m not kidding you right now!  Sparkle!!!  I love it all.

Except that there is this one little thing…

Tomorrow is the first day of school for three of my kiddos.  The youngest starts Kindergarten on Friday, but my 12th, 9th and 4th graders kick it off bright and early tomorrow morning.  I’m heartbroken.  For lots of reasons.  I know that there are moms and dads around the globe just shivering in excited anticipation for tomorrow.  You know who you are.  I know you and I’m happy for you. You’ve made coffee dates with friends you haven’t seen since June.  You’ve planned spa days, shopping days, sit around in jammies and watch movies with bad words days.   Cleaning days.  The kind of cleaning days where rooms actually get cleaned and stay that way for more than three seconds.  GASP! (I get downright giddy about those days.) You are going to do all of those things gleefully unencumbered by those other people.  The short ones.   The needy ones.  The ones who make you look like you need a spa day.  Do it!  Have your days and enjoy them.  You deserve it and you’ve certainly earned it.  I want to feel the glee with you for those things, buy my stay at home days are a little different.

First, I have a daycare in my home.  When I drop the elementary kids off for school, finish watching through their classroom doors with tears drenching my face, and drive home in my sad, empty car I’m not going into a quiet, peaceful house.  I’m not going to put my feet up and reflect on my thoughts.  My assistant is there with my crazies, my preschoolers.  The little ankle biters whom I adore.  She’ll smile and wave and run for her life and I’ll settle in with ABC’s and songs and shoe tying and nose wiping.  I’ll love every minute of it because I’ve chosen my profession and I’m honored to do it.  I know that there are moms and dads at work who are missing the first day drop off and hating it.  I know I am blessed and I love those messy little monkeys like they are my own, but let’s face it.  It isn’t an hour in a coffee shop with my girlfriends.  I’m looking forward to nap time same as I was last week.

The real reason that I dread the first days of school is that I adore my kids.  Oh, they make me crazy, don’t get me wrong.  The two youngest fight constantly.  The little one has this high pitched shriek that he rips out whenever he is offended by anything.  Anything.  It makes me feel like my ears are bleeding and my eyes are going to explode from my head because of the pressure that hideous sound creates.  Glass breaks and poor Sam the Dog next door just cries all the time.   The 9 year old is generally doing whatever it takes to make that awful noise erupt from his brother, then he smiles his cute little smile and says, “Whuuuuutttt?  I didn’t DO anything!” The teenagers are running around spending my money, rolling their eyes at me like dice at a craps table and just generally trying to find things to feel angst over.  They are fighting with each other, unless they decide to unite against me for my car keys and credit cards.  All of their friends are all over my house, eating my food, taking up my space, tracking in dirt.  Add in all ten of my daycare kids to the mix and a teacher husband.  Sounds miserable, right? NO!  I love it! L-O-V-E, loooovvvvvve it!  Summer break rocks!!!

You think I’ve gone over the edge, right?  Seriously!  But, for every shriek that little five year old demon emits he has a million other completely awesome things to say.  Strangers tell me how cute he is.  The nine year old will be the first to give me a hug if I seem down at all.  He taunts his brother, but he’s the first to defend, the first to teach the little one something new or to tag after his older brother.  He has the best laugh and his smile just melts me!  My 14 year old will show up when I least expect with a hug.  He’s six feet tall, but he still calls me Mama.  He helps in the daycare and he’s a dream with the babies.  And my daughter, my oldest, for all of the time I’m sure she hates me, she’ll come around and tell me something about her day.  She’ll talk to me like a friend and tell me I’m the best mom there is.  And my husband?  Light of my life.  I’ve never gotten sick of him.  Not ever.  I love these people.  They are funny and smart and they make me laugh.  I love having them around me all the time. I wish I had more time just to enjoy them.  I love watching them figure things out, discover who they are and who they’d like to grow to be.  I like helping them find their own direction.  I’m heartbroken because this week they all leave me to go out and do their own things all day again.  I’ll miss them so much.  Even their friends.  I’m jealous of the amazing teachers who get to spend all day with my children, seeing their awesome and soaking up the cute.  I’ll wait for the first one to get home and I’ll be so excited to hear everything each one did while they were away.  They’ll clear out the pantry and I’ll just be glad to see them.  Even the friends.

I love fall.  I love the newness I feel in the air.  I love the fresh start of a new school year and all of the lead up to the holidays, but I’m going to cry my eyes out tomorrow.  Every year that I do this, send them off to the first day of school, represents another year closer to not being able to do it anymore.  They are growing up too fast.  So, tomorrow I’ll be the mom that the principal has to kick out of school because I’m roaming the halls scaring the first graders with my weeping.  Then, I’ll go home, hug those babies who are waiting for me and wait for my own babies to burst through the door at the end of the day.  I may try a little cleaning during Quiet Time.  Cross your fingers for me.